Wow. Just wow. She comes back from Florida all tan and refreshed and just jumps RIGHT back to business. Let me tell you about the vacation I HAD. It was glorious and she came home too soon.
So first, let’s just go there: She freakin’ ABANDONED ME. It’s bad enough she locks me in this big glass box of emotion for onlookers to tap at the glass like I’m a flippin’ goldfish, even though I know it’s my public and I must entertain them by rolling around on the shelf and meowing at them as they walk by, but being in this spotlight is hard! Alas, I digress….anyway, what does she do? She leaves. She goes on vacation and leaves me here with the Nana. Thankfully, that’s her one redeeming quality, because she really should be named Nanny. She came in here every morning, said hello, and sat down and gave me the obligatory 20 minutes of cuddle time I require that Mom continuously fails to perform due to lame excuses like “I’m on the phone” and “I have children to tend to”. Pfft. It was glorious, every single ear stroke. I even stopped shedding on the chairs for this woman, because it’s true love. Mom walked back in here after two weeks gallivanting with the humans, and sits right in front of the computer. So I went for it. I’m allowed to expect a lifestyle I’ve become accustomed to, right? I jumped right on her lap so fast she didn’t even see it coming. I didn’t know that humans meowed, too…and boy, are they loud when they do! She stammered something about super sharp back claws or something and honestly, I stopped listening because she lost me at her freaky human-meow-thing. So I walked away…to my bowl of hard, crunchy, kibbles-and-mom’s-back-bites. 😦
She got all excited because the online shop is getting orders as far away as Massachusetts and Mississippi, so she was pretty busy when she got back packing yarn that I’m not allowed to play with into boxes that I’m not allowed to jump in, and securing them shut with tape I’m not allowed to eat…it’s all very tortuous. I mean, seriously….this place wouldn’t make it without me. She doesn’t even KNOW. I could walk out tomorrow and this place would crumble…I could. I just, won’t-because I tried and it was very scary and DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE BIG METAL DOGS RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE STREET AT MASSIVE SPEEDS?!??!? How do they let that even HAPPEN?!? Don’t tell her though, she got all worried that I stepped outside…yeah, that’s right, you DON’T want me to leave, do ya? You freaking NEED ME, LADY!! I totally came back because I knew it would give me some leverage in this relationship…honest. No other reason…not impending doom or the threat of me losing my life out there in that juggernaut of hustle and bustle.
I’m pretty excited to see all the little humans out these days. You know, they all come and visit and point and scream “Kitty!” and I wish I could give them all autographs but it’s best to be adored from afar, it gives a little mystique and only the truly enamored ones gather the courage to come in and roll around on the floor with me. It makes all warm and fuzzy. I think Mom likes them too, because she just posted Knit and Crochet Camps for kids this summer. See, they get four weeks to learn all about crochet and knitting, and at the end they’ll be so awesome they can make hats and socks and hats for me, because, let’s face it, it’s all about me. I’m pretty sure she’s doing it for my benefit, because she knows the little ones are the ones who roly poly all over the place to hang out with me, so I roly poly back. The bigger ones are way more calm and chilled out, and they settle for me gracing them with my presence as I sit on their purses and project bags. I keep trying to learn how to knit, but Mom’s cruel and shoo’s me away from the table when I try to take a seat, accusing me of holding the table down and getting all up in people’s projects…well, if they’d just share ONE BALL OF FLIPPIN’ YARN I wouldn’t HAVE to jump into people’s project bags! Not only that, why hasn’t anyone caught on that I am secretly trying to escape safely across the street without being eaten by one of the big metal dogs??? I mean, come on!
Until I get back on here again, I continue my watch. Make sure to check the Class calendar so we can arrange a reconnaissance and you can help me get out of here. You can learn how to knit a cat-sized ninja suit so I can sneak out of here…what do you think? No?