Let me be the first to say, it’s been a long time. Lots has happened since I broke out of the glass box of emotion. Somehow, some way, you people heard my cries of despair and I managed to break out of the life of display and forced servitude. And how did I show my gratitude? By ignoring you for two years. Who does that? Oh yeah. A cat. A cat would do that.
SOOOOO let’s CATch up, shall we? So I demanded better treatment and refused to eat until I was back at my palace. Okay, that’s not entirely true. As most everyone knows, the Captor(my Mom) closed the storefront and took a bit of a hiatus while moving everything online. I moved into my palace and the staff is mediocre at best. They put a young Page of about 12 years in charge of my household – and let me tell you – if there were a comment card lying around, I’d chip in my two cents. This is the first time she’s left the dang computer alone for five minutes. You can bet your bottom dollar the next website I’ll be visiting is Tripadvisor to rate this place Ron Swanson style – ZERO. STARS.
Let’s face it – I’m not gettin’ any younger here. I’ve given up on the notion that my Puss in Boots is coming to rescue me, and we will live happily ever after with 732 kittens somewhere under a bridge and he will bring home the bacon – in the form of pate wet gooshy food. So I may as well get used to the idea that after 16 years, I’m stuck with these people. But as most of us know, with time comes age, and I am slowing down. In fact, I heard Mom say the other day that I have become completely blind. I don’t know where she was, but I heard her, so I kind of have to take her word for it.
(this is the part where you’re wondering, okay, Mia, but, like, how are you writing this? Well, I’ll tell you – we’re in the 21st century, and what we lack in the hope of flying cars we’ve gained in meow-to-text technology, ‘kay? Just go with it.)
Anyway, yes. I am now blind. And I sleep most of the day. And in all honesty, you slough off a good amount of vanity in your older years. When you’re without sight and opposable thumbs, you kind of have to humble yourself into a more realistic state of mind. Thankfully, Mom works from home most days now, and that makes me feel much more safe. I’ve gotten the pattern of the house down pretty well, but do you remember that baby that ran around the shop all day? Yeah, pretty sure she’s a mutant because she is like ten feet tall now and I’m not all that confident of where our relationship stands, because one day she’s all like, “MIIIAAAAA!!!!” and cuddles me, then the next she sets up these toy minefields and I’m bashing into dollhouses and Barbie cars and I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE HECK I AM!!! WHY!?!? Then I yelp because I have lost all dignity and Mom comes to rescue me and recenter me in the house, and I’m back on my way again. Thankfully, she lets me follow her everywhere – and I mean EVERYWHERE. Did you know humans have litter boxes with water bowls in it? Sooo weird.
The one nice thing is, since Mom works at home now, she also spends a lot more time knitting and crocheting. Which lets me sit and cuddle with her and I don’t ever have to get up. Except for when the psychotic baby-dog they adopted last summer decides to have some sort of manic episode and try to maul me with saliva. I swear, one of these days I am going to bat her silly, if I can only pinpoint where the heck she is – I’m freakin’ blind and she moves way too fast! She’s lucky I don’t pee on her and blame it on incontinence. I am sure one of you has seen it, haven’t you? I hear Mom talking to you guys all the time, something about Facebook live, so you can’t tell me you don’t see it!!! I’ll signal for help next time, if I can find where the heck she is filming.
That’s pretty much what my life is now. She managed to transform the front of the palace into a studio and has a schnazzy office (from what I hear, I can’t see jack but the paint smells nice), and there’s a classroom now and it has a coffeemaker. I know this because I can smell it and she gets all excited about it when it makes it silly hissing sounds and it does NOT smell like cat food so it’s clearly solely for her benefit. I don’t know, other people show up, some are my spies who infiltrated the glass box of emotion to smuggle gooshy food to me back in the day, but they don’t bring it anymore. Mom has the audacity to tell them I’m well taken care of. YOU KNIT A SHAWL OF LIES, LADY! LET THEM BRING FOOD! There are also new people too, people who are learning both to knit or crochet AND how to show proper respect to me at all times. I used to walk right up to them expecting the customary groveling, but now I just sneer at them from my couch and go back to sleep.
Speaking of which, It’s been a good ten minutes and that means it’s nap time. The one sweet deal about all this is she takes pity on me and I almost never have dry food anymore, unless, I’m guessing, it’s grocery shopping day – or one of you is dropping off care package-sized cases of gooshy food…which, if you are, you rock and I appreciate it more than you know!
Hope you’re all doing well, and now that I finally located this handy laptop that isn’t at all mobile and won’t go anywhere, I am sure I will start blogging more to update you on the shenanigans that happen around this place. Hope you are have a puurrrfect day!